Saturday 31 March 2012

The British Motorist

The British Motorist is an extraordinary lifeform, despite its relatively simple and predictable behavioural patterns. It's part of British Society, and within that the largest species in the transport category. It bears some resemblance to the Hermit Crab also acquiring a shell which both change several times during their life span (though it should be mentioned that the Hermit Crab by contrast is self-propelling).

The British Motorist's habitat is mostly linear, but widespread, of a grey to dark-grey lifeless colour, void of natural vegetation and bounded by what's called a Kerb or Soft Verge. The lifeform's existence and its habitat - including its expansion - is generally cared for by the British Government. It's also watched with great interest by the Car, Oil and Petrol Industry who have played an integral part in the conception of the lifeform. It's a complex form of symbiosis which sometimes results in nervousness, even political upset, u-turns and ministerial re-shuffling has been noted. Any adverse economic impact is met with fear by all three parties. The British Government largely consists of the British Motorist, and is prone to react speedily to the British Motorist's Begging Call (which will not be entirely surprising to anyone who has heard its high-pitched overtones and roaring background sound when it sees its habitat and existence under threat).

It can be seen in towns and cities, but is equally at home in the countryside. It sometimes travels aimlessly, but more typically is seen moving with much purpose, eagerness and sometimes aggression.

It stands motionless at times most confusingly called Rush Hour and School Run. This peculiar and repetitive behaviour is little understood. The British Motorist can be spotted to carry out this strange ritual between 08:00-09:30 and then again in the afternoon from 16:30-18:00. Quiet servile acceptance, but also loud shrieking or shouting calls and shaking of fists can be observed during these times.

The British Motorist isn't shy as such, but it does prefer to stay inside its shell. For other activities (work, shopping or at home), it commonly acquires a non-moving shell that it then is largely content to share with others without showing territorial aggression. It's not seen unprotected often though and the direct exposure to the sky seems to trigger some anxiety in this lifeform. This reaction is not much understood but is thought to be linked to the complex symbiosis (mentioned above) and possibly over-protection by the aforementioned British Government.

It's a confident lifeform, and it expects to be provided with sufficient space to put its shell. Otherwise it will expand agressively whenever it's given the chance. Pavements, cycle lanes, grassy verges are not immune to its invasion and whole neighboorhoods can be found littered with its temporarily discarded shells.

The British Motorist has a generally quiet disposition most of the time, inconspicuous even, and has tendencies towards sluggishness and even laziness has been observed, especially when outside the shell. It must be noted though, that it is highly territorial by nature and can be surprisingly swift to react if it senses disdain and disrespect.

Although not containing any nerve endings, the shell itself should only be touched with affection, never disregard. Prior permission of the inhabitant should be sought or it may set off the following routine: a loud shrieking or shouting call and shaking of fists, followed by a coming-out-of the-shell. Caution is advised, as physical handling may result also.

Female members of this lifeform may be less territorial than their male counterparts. Their outer appearance however is similar, though males might generally be seen in larger less colourful shells, though this may also depend on other factors such as the number of offspring and disposable income. It's worth noting that it tends to share its shell with its offspring particularly during School Run.

If one thing is certain, the British Motorist has a sense of haste and wants to get somewhere fast. The British Society occasionally tries to catch the British Motorist by means of what is called a Speed Trap. Other lifeforms, such as the lesser-spotted British Pedestrian and the very rare British Cyclist, cannot compete with British Motorist's speed, power and the supremacy it exerts in its natural habitat. Despite its greater might, it may even use its assumed superiority to intimidate and scare away any unwanted intruders that have invaded its space.

The British Motorist's appetite is ferocious and around two-thousand lives are required to be lost to maintain the lifeform's existence every year. It's interesting to note that for its continued existence it's not required to devour its prey which is commonly called Casualty. Animals fallen into the trap of the British Motorist are called Road Kill.


  1. Katja. This is inspired.


    Ditch blogger, go WordPress and instal Disqus.

  2. Haha! Thanks! I can assure you if it were inpired, it's only by the desire to stay sane and afloat in the sea of nonsense.

  3. very good - missed a part about insane and frenzied mass feeding if if a potential threat to foodsources is detected!

  4. Brilliant. Just brilliant :-D

  5. Hey Kats, you have a new fan called Edmund King... ;-)

    Oh and I agree with Unknown, time to move to Wordpress

  6. Wonderful. I was just going to suggest the same as Gaz. Forms long queues outside potential sources of food when food is at a premium. Lines of British Motorist Queueing have been observed from the International Space Station.

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